February 2012
11 posts
Brown Castle
Come on, man. I hope you’re joking, but if you aren’t, what the hell is White Castle supposed to say to this? “We’re so sorry to hear about your wallpaper! Here’s a coupon for 50% off your next bulk order of Extra Strength Pepto Bismol.”
And the pants I get, but how the hell did it get on the wall? People are astonishing.
#STOPMOLESTINGMYLANGUAGE
I love how every sentence in this complaint ends with a question mark, as though she’s asking her readers if she’s recalling all the events correctly. DO NOT TRUST TO DELIVER ON TIME? A TREAT FOR THE STUDENTS BEING SO GOOD? I don’t know, lady. You’re the one making the complaint. On another note, you know the very foundations of the English language are in trouble when...
Lousey Fish Sandwichs From Arby's Tastes Lousy
Thanks for the tipoff, Bill. I’ll be sure to never buy fish sandwiches from Arby’s in Granite City, Illinois. Respect to Arby’s for at least attempting to direct this illiterate, caps lock-typing douchebag to their customer service team, who I doubt is any more equipped to accommodate such eloquent customer complaints as “GOT TWO LOUSEY FRESH FISH SANDWICHS TO...
Guess We're Skipping Dinner Tonight
“Mom, where’s our Pizza Hut? We’re hungry.”
“It disappeared.”
“What disappeared? The food? The order? You’re not being very clear.”
“Forget it. No dinner tonight, kids. Pizza Hut sucks ass anyway. Now go to bed or you’re not getting breakfast either.”
Tragic Breakup Letter To McDonald's
Yea, eff you McDonald’s. My relationship with your compressed chicken fetus meat is all give and no take. Like a normal girlfriend, I try to be reasonable and understanding, which is why I let the no milkshake thing slide. BUT NO CHICKEN MCNUGGETS ARE UN-SLIDABLE. You have CROSSED the line, Ronald McDonald, and taken it TOO FAR. We’re over. P.S. I cheated on you with Burger King,...
This Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us
(thanks to Christen Brandt for showing me this embarrassment to humanity)
So this is a thing now. You pay $10,010 for a wedding proposal package with a ring, limo service, flowers, photography, and fireworks… all capped off with a $10 dinner from Pizza Hut. To any women who have had their big night ruined by this tragic twist ending proposal package, I apologize on behalf of men...
The Tweeting Buttcrack
And I don’t like how Twitter allows your bare ass cheeks to just pop up on my search results when I’m trying to find angry rants about McDonald’s. Unless that’s your face, which wouldn’t surprise me.
A Very White Castle Valentine's Day
(thanks to community manager extraordinaire Joe Amodio for showing me this gem)
Wow. Christine really knows how to keep it classy. Who knew White Castle even took reservations? Don’t their burgers only take, like, 30 seconds to prepare anyway? This is so weird and wrong in so many ways, especially for what she describes as a three-year tradition. Because when I think...
First Time On The Internet
No.
This Is Exactly What Mark Zuckerberg Envisioned...
The year is 2004. A tall man in an expensive suit and a young Harvard dropout sit across from one another in an enormous Manhattan corner office.
Venture Capitalist: Okay, so what is “The Wall,” and what does it add to Facebook?
Mark Zuckerberg: Well, you see… The Wall is a public or private social forum where users can communicate with each other—
Venture Capitalist:...
Pizza Burger
My first thought after reading this was, “what the hell is a pizza burger?” so I then made the tragic mistake of looking it up on Google Images:
…Sorry about this.
And if you noticed, Wendy’s response was, “Good idea! We’ll send it up the chain.” Something tells me that this is corporate doublespeak for, “That is the worst freaking idea...
Taco Bell? More like BS Bell
Are you sure you can make a taco at home? Because if your idea of a “taco” is as firm as your grasp on the English language, you might want to avoid cooking before you accidentally burn your whole kitchen down. Why not just try one of Taco Bell’s other options, like the cheesy gordita crunch, or the nacho cheese chalupa, or the cheesy crunch burrito? The beauty of Taco Bell is...
January 2012
15 posts
Elmo Wants Chicken Livers
My first instinct after reading this: “Gross.”
My second instinct after reading this: “Wait, why am I being yelled at by angry Sesame Street characters? IS THAT A KNIFE IN ELMO’S HAND??? OH GOD, KFC, PLEASE GIVE THEM THE CHICKEN LIVER.”
You're food sucks.
First of all, I’d like to give props to Long John Silver’s for responding to this asshole in a manner way more polite and PR-friendly than this blog does. Respect. Secondly, to the asshole: Don’t bring Red Lobster into this. That’s a low blow, bro. That’s like me telling McDonald’s I’m leaving them for Peter Luger Gourmet Steakhouse. Actually, wait....
Kentucky Fried STDs
This one was posted on KFC’s wall and is obviously a joke. Right? I mean, the only way to contract a sexually transmitted disease from a chicken would be to… OH GOD NO.
There's No Hope For Humanity
If there is intelligent life on other planets, they’re never going to be interested in communicating with us or learning from humans because of posts like this. Everything about this just reeks of fail: the duckface, the mostly caps lock but with the occasional arbitrary instance of lower case, the misspellings, the awkward spacing, the lack of syntax or punctuation of any kind, the...
All Good Things Must Come to an End
I love how the conversation just comes to a complete halt when he brings up the idea of a petition. Sorry, Tony, but Arby’s kinda did you a huge favor in not answering. You’d be alienating a lot of your Facebook friends sending them a group invite titled “PETITION TO BRING BACK THE DISCONTINUED ARBY’S FREE ROAST BEEF REWARDS PROGRAM.”
Forever Alone
Sorry, Kyle G. Looks like it’s just you. Time to slow down on the cheesy bread and hit the gym.
Just Be You, Burger King
Have you ever thought about becoming a motivational speaker? This may very well be the most inspiring thing I’ve ever read about chicken fries being better than chicken nuggets. What are your thoughts on KFC potato wedges vs. mashed potatoes? And Subway vs. Quizno’s smoked turkey? And gay marriage?
McDontevenbother?
So apparently McDonald’s doesn’t open up its Facebook wall to users. The red circle is where I’d normally find the option to view public posts. This is probably for the best - it would get pretty exhausting to read one rant after another about people finding unwanted chicken organs in their McNuggets.
Vegetarian Disappointed by Arby's Chicken and...
I mean, it’s fine that you recently became a vegetarian, but you have to wonder how long you were going to last if you’re willing to blindly “do what boss says” and mindlessly eat whatever the hell he asks you to. Arby’s is a roast beef sandwich-based fast food joint; what did you expect? And besides, bacon is awesome.
Faulse Advertising
You didn’t get the memo? Pizza Hut now has an extra $5.15 “caps lock-typing shirtless douchebag in front of a bathroom mirror” surcharge.
That's Amore
Dude. DUDE. You live in ITALY. That’s like, the food capital of the world or something, right? Trust me, you don’t want to eat or even pretend to eat greasy, fatty, over-fried chicken skin from KFC. Your smiley face emoticon already has 2 chins, don’t you think that’s enough?
The Olive Garden: When You're Here, You're a...
Automatic 18% gratuity?? I’m with you, that’s some serious BS. Everyone knows babies aren’t people. Neither are waitresses. Never mind that she had to spend two hours listening to your kids scream, cry, and drop silverware all over the floor while you sat there asking for a refill on your unlimited breadsticks at least 12 times.
Cold Burger King
Really? 18 days later and you’re still upset about your cheeseburger being cold? It’s not just gonna warm up by itself while you sit around on Facebook emailing people. Take action and throw it in the microwave. It’s from Burger King so I’m sure you’ll hardly notice it’s almost 3 weeks old.
Pizza Hut Doesn't Cut It
Hold on, I’m not sure I’m reading this correctly. So you ordered two pizzas, and only one of them was completely cut, so you asked for a 5 dollar credit? What were you thinking? The time and labor it takes to cut half a pizza is at least worth 10 bucks. The audacity of those employees to think a FREE PIZZA is fair consolation for this injustice!!
