Shut Your Fat Mouth

Brown Castle

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 15:00:00 -0500

Come on, man. I hope you’re joking, but if you aren’t, what the hell is White Castle supposed to say to this? “We’re so sorry to hear about your wallpaper! Here’s a coupon for 50% off your next bulk order of Extra Strength Pepto Bismol.”

And the pants I get, but how the hell did it get on the wall? People are astonishing.

#STOPMOLESTINGMYLANGUAGE

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 20:26:00 -0500

I love how every sentence in this complaint ends with a question mark, as though she’s asking her readers if she’s recalling all the events correctly. DO NOT TRUST TO DELIVER ON TIME? A TREAT FOR THE STUDENTS BEING SO GOOD? I don’t know, lady. You’re the one making the complaint. On another note, you know the very foundations of the English language are in trouble when full grown adults think it’s appropriate to use creepy winking sad face emoticons and hashtagged run-on sentences to express their grievances with fast food companies. Someone tell this lady to calm down and put a shirt on, please.

Lousey Fish Sandwichs From Arby's Tastes Lousy

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 11:40:24 -0500

Thanks for the tipoff, Bill. I’ll be sure to never buy fish sandwiches from Arby’s in Granite City, Illinois. Respect to Arby’s for at least attempting to direct this illiterate, caps lock-typing douchebag to their customer service team, who I doubt is any more equipped to accommodate such eloquent customer complaints as “GOT TWO LOUSEY FRESH FISH SANDWICHS TO NIGHT”

Guess We're Skipping Dinner Tonight

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:02:00 -0500

“Mom, where’s our Pizza Hut? We’re hungry.”

“It disappeared.”

“What disappeared? The food? The order? You’re not being very clear.”

“Forget it. No dinner tonight, kids. Pizza Hut sucks ass anyway. Now go to bed or you’re not getting breakfast either.”

Tragic Breakup Letter To McDonald's

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 23:20:54 -0500

Yea, eff you McDonald’s. My relationship with your compressed chicken fetus meat is all give and no take. Like a normal girlfriend, I try to be reasonable and understanding, which is why I let the no milkshake thing slide. BUT NO CHICKEN MCNUGGETS ARE UN-SLIDABLE. You have CROSSED the line, Ronald McDonald, and taken it TOO FAR. We’re over. P.S. I cheated on you with Burger King, Wendy’s, AND White Castle.

This Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 21:49:00 -0500

(thanks to Christen Brandt for showing me this embarrassment to humanity)

So this is a thing now. You pay $10,010 for a wedding proposal package with a ring, limo service, flowers, photography, and fireworks… all capped off with a $10 dinner from Pizza Hut. To any women who have had their big night ruined by this tragic twist ending proposal package, I apologize on behalf of men everywhere. I genuinely cannot think of a more perfect way to send mixed messages to your potential Mrs. Right. (The two mixed messages being “I love you,” and “I hate your fat face, so here’s a slice of artificial synthetic processed fast food pizza and please don’t ever call me again.”)

The Tweeting Buttcrack

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:20:00 -0500

And I don’t like how Twitter allows your bare ass cheeks to just pop up on my search results when I’m trying to find angry rants about McDonald’s. Unless that’s your face, which wouldn’t surprise me.

A Very White Castle Valentine's Day

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 21:40:00 -0500

(thanks to community manager extraordinaire Joe Amodio for showing me this gem)

Wow. Christine really knows how to keep it classy. Who knew White Castle even took reservations? Don’t their burgers only take, like, 30 seconds to prepare anyway? This is so weird and wrong in so many ways, especially for what she describes as a three-year tradition. Because when I think “Valentine’s Day,” I think “romance.” And when I think “romance,” I think “taking your dad out on a Valentine’s Day dinner reservation to White Castle in Hackettown, New Jersey.”

First Time On The Internet

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:21:32 -0500

No.

This Is Exactly What Mark Zuckerberg Envisioned When He Invented Facebook

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:22:06 -0500

The year is 2004. A tall man in an expensive suit and a young Harvard dropout sit across from one another in an enormous Manhattan corner office.

Venture Capitalist: Okay, so what is “The Wall,” and what does it add to Facebook?

Mark Zuckerberg: Well, you see… The Wall is a public or private social forum where users can communicate with each other—

Venture Capitalist: Communicate about what?

Mark Zuckerberg: I don’t know… pie?

Venture Capitalist: Pie?

Mark Zuckerberg: Yea, pie. And whether they like KFC… or think it better than Burger King. And what they ate for dinner that night.

Venture Capitalist: Uh, Facebook sounds really fascinating, but it’s just not what we’re looking for right now. Exit is on your left.

Mark Zuckerberg: Damn.

Pizza Burger

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 20:23:55 -0500

My first thought after reading this was, “what the hell is a pizza burger?” so I then made the tragic mistake of looking it up on Google Images:

…Sorry about this.

And if you noticed, Wendy’s response was, “Good idea! We’ll send it up the chain.” Something tells me that this is corporate doublespeak for, “That is the worst freaking idea I’ve ever heard in my life, which is saying a lot because I work in PR for a fast food chain whose customers are notorious for dipping their chicken nuggets in ice cream.”

Taco Bell? More like BS Bell

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:03:34 -0500

Are you sure you can make a taco at home? Because if your idea of a “taco” is as firm as your grasp on the English language, you might want to avoid cooking before you accidentally burn your whole kitchen down. Why not just try one of Taco Bell’s other options, like the cheesy gordita crunch, or the nacho cheese chalupa, or the cheesy crunch burrito? The beauty of Taco Bell is that every freaking item is the same. It’s just constructed differently. And if you’re eating it at 3am, chances are you’re in an altered state, so how the hell can you tell the difference?

Also, you look just like Lori Beth Denberg.

Elmo Wants Chicken Livers

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:06:00 -0500

My first instinct after reading this: “Gross.”

My second instinct after reading this: “Wait, why am I being yelled at by angry Sesame Street characters? IS THAT A KNIFE IN ELMO’S HAND??? OH GOD, KFC, PLEASE GIVE THEM THE CHICKEN LIVER.”

You're food sucks.

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:42:00 -0500

First of all, I’d like to give props to Long John Silver’s for responding to this asshole in a manner way more polite and PR-friendly than this blog does. Respect. Secondly, to the asshole: Don’t bring Red Lobster into this. That’s a low blow, bro. That’s like me telling McDonald’s I’m leaving them for Peter Luger Gourmet Steakhouse. Actually, wait. It’s not like that at all. Red Lobster is just as deep-fried and battered as you’ll get at any other fast-seafood establishment. Go right ahead and take your crappy taste elsewhere.

Also, yea, nobody deleted “you’re” post, so take a breather (But don’t breathe too hard or you’ll pass out from exhaustion).

Kentucky Fried STDs

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 08:00:00 -0500

This one was posted on KFC’s wall and is obviously a joke. Right? I mean, the only way to contract a sexually transmitted disease from a chicken would be to… OH GOD NO.

There's No Hope For Humanity

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:17:00 -0500

If there is intelligent life on other planets, they’re never going to be interested in communicating with us or learning from humans because of posts like this. Everything about this just reeks of fail: the duckface, the mostly caps lock but with the occasional arbitrary instance of lower case, the misspellings, the awkward spacing, the lack of syntax or punctuation of any kind, the painfully deliberate use of the number zero instead of the letter O, and the fact that the complaint doesn’t even address any problem in particular and is therefore a completely and utterly useless waste of internet space. tHNk Y0U !!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go look at something that’s easier for my sensitive eyes to handle, like a burning bus full of adorable golden retriever puppies.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 12:46:57 -0500

I love how the conversation just comes to a complete halt when he brings up the idea of a petition. Sorry, Tony, but Arby’s kinda did you a huge favor in not answering. You’d be alienating a lot of your Facebook friends sending them a group invite titled “PETITION TO BRING BACK THE DISCONTINUED ARBY’S FREE ROAST BEEF REWARDS PROGRAM.”

Forever Alone

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 20:52:11 -0500

Sorry, Kyle G. Looks like it’s just you. Time to slow down on the cheesy bread and hit the gym.

Just Be You, Burger King

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 12:36:05 -0500

Have you ever thought about becoming a motivational speaker? This may very well be the most inspiring thing I’ve ever read about chicken fries being better than chicken nuggets. What are your thoughts on KFC potato wedges vs. mashed potatoes? And Subway vs. Quizno’s smoked turkey? And gay marriage?

McDontevenbother?

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 11:34:00 -0500

So apparently McDonald’s doesn’t open up its Facebook wall to users. The red circle is where I’d normally find the option to view public posts. This is probably for the best - it would get pretty exhausting to read one rant after another about people finding unwanted chicken organs in their McNuggets.